For most people, family is central. Most of us turn to family when life gets too challenging to manage alone. However, as we all know, familial relationships sometimes get pretty rocky.
To successfully navigate these relationships, we must understand the unwritten rules that dictate how interactions play out in our specific family. For example, in some families, emotions are expressed openly and honestly. In others, they may be bottled up, more often coming out in unhealthy ways, such as sudden intense anger.
A family’s set of implied customs and practices are known as family dynamics. These dynamics can be hard to navigate effectively under average circumstances. But when a teen struggling with mental health issues is added to the family mix, they often become significantly more difficult.
Types of family dynamics
Healthy relationships vs. toxic family dynamics
Healthy families set clear boundaries, which means respecting one another’s personal autonomy and privacy. These boundaries can be physical (e.g., respecting one another’s personal space), emotional (e.g., not pushing one another to talk about topics they’re not ready to discuss), or financial (e.g.,not relying on family for money). For example, in families with healthy relationships, members may routinely knock on closed doors before entering a room and will not snoop through one another’s stuff. Such boundaries provide members with a sense of safety.
Sometimes, however, dynamics can become toxic. One way toxicity manifests is through individuals getting stuck in rigid family roles, such as a “golden child” who can do no wrong or a “scapegoat” who gets blamed for everything. These roles are not only suffocating but also prevent family members from moving beyond such labels to figure out who they really are.
Honest communication vs. manipulation
In healthy families, communication is honest and direct. But in toxic families, people often use manipulation to control others’ behaviors and emotions.
For example, they may use guilt trips, emotional blackmail (“If you don’t do this, I’ll be so upset”), or even threats. These attempts can make family members feel like they’re always walking on eggshells.
Why fixing family dynamics is so important
Let’s face it: family can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, families are often a source of strength we can tap into when times get tough. On the other hand, they can perpetuate unhealthy patterns that keep us stuck.
When parenting teens with mental health challenges, it’s therefore crucial to assess family dynamics as objectively as possible and find ways to improve them if needed. Fostering healthy family dynamics will make your job as a parent easier and your child’s mental health recovery smoother.
7 parenting tips for teenagers
1. Communicate openly and honestly
Ever notice that the best conversations with your child often happen when you least expect them, like over breakfast or on a road trip? That’s because your teen is more likely to be relaxed at such times, making it easier for them to open up about their struggles.
Let your teen know that you’re always available to talk and that no topic is off-limits. When discussing sensitive issues, try using “I” statements instead of pointing fingers. This helps keep the focus on your own feelings, which can make conversations less confrontational. For example, say, “I feel worried when…” or “I’m concerned because…”
If your teen prefers texting or emailing, that’s okay. Don’t force them to talk if they’re more comfortable using another method. What matters is that they feel comfortable reaching out to you in their own way.
2. Listen actively
It’s tragic how little some families know their own members. Mothers go through life seeing their daughters not as people in their own right but as roles to be played. Sons see their fathers as parental figures, not as individuals with feelings. Active listening allows you to transcend the facade and get to know the human behind the role.
When you do, you may be amazed at how much more you understand one another’s perspectives, even when you disagree. Active listening also helps clear up misunderstandings, reduce conflicts, and build trust.
To get better at active listening, give your family member your undivided attention. This means putting away your phone, turning off the TV, and making eye contact.
Don’t interrupt. Let the other person finish speaking before responding. Ask open-ended questions to encourage sharing of thoughts and feelings. Repeat what you hear to them to show that you understand.
3. Practice forgiveness
Family dynamics can be messy—even in the best of families. We hurt one another, intentionally or not, and those wounds can last a long time. However, research indicates that holding grudges not only undermines the family unit but also hurts the one harboring them.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing bad behavior. Instead, it’s about letting go of the hurt and resentment that are weighing you down. Painful memories of a family member’s actions that hurt you might linger, but forgiveness loosens their hold on you.
4. Get a fresh perspective
When family dynamics get tough to navigate—especially with a teen struggling with mental health challenges—it’s easy to feel stuck. But sometimes, all it takes is a fresh perspective to help you find your way again.
By connecting with others who understand what you’re going through, you’ll learn new approaches to try at home, get emotional support, and learn from other people’s experiences.
5. Schedule quality time
Families that have bonded are typically psychologically healthier than those that haven’t. One of the best ways to cultivate family bonds is to schedule quality time with the entire family.
These days, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and forget to set aside family time. This is tragic because it means limiting connections to superficial interactions rather than fostering the deep satisfaction of getting to know a loved one.
So consider setting aside an evening each week to play board games with the entire family. Or schedule a regular movie night, with each family member sharing a favorite film with the others. Whatever activities you choose, ensure that everyone is involved in suggesting and deciding on them. And make them times to put all phones away and enjoy one another’s company.
6. Set clear boundaries
Clear boundaries provide structure and stability, which are particularly important for teens struggling with mental health issues. When setting boundaries, be consistent. If you enforce the rules only occasionally, it can confuse your teen or make them think you’re not serious.
Let your teen know what’s expected and the consequences if they don’t meet those expectations. Remember, consequences should be used to teach, not punish. Help your teen understand why the rules matter and how their choices affect themselves and others.
Finally, be flexible. Some rules must change as circumstances do. Regularly review the boundaries you’ve set to ensure they still make sense.
7. Know when to seek professional help
Raising teenagers with mental health or substance use issues can be emotionally draining. If your family dynamics need an overhaul, you can make your burden lighter by seeking help from therapists specialized in adolescent issues. Avoid disciplinary approaches—such as military-style boot camps—that tend to separate teens from family support, opting instead for a family-oriented alternative.
Also consider therapy for yourself to help you cope with the often overwhelming stress of parenting a teen with a mental health condition. A skilled therapist can provide individualized guidance, techniques, and support to prevent burnout. After all, you can’t help your teen if you’re struggling yourself.
Final thoughts
Taking care of an emotionally struggling teen is hard work. When you add strained family relationships to the mix, however, it becomes even more overwhelming.
By implementing the strategies in this article, you can forge a better family life, which will make it easier to support your struggling teen through any challenge. If you need further assistance, consider a comprehensive program that provides support to troubled teens and their families.